She emerged from the changing room
wearing the latest designer-faded Ferrero Pepe jeans:
"What do you think?
Be honest.
Does my bum look big in this?"
I was just 16 and hadn't learned
the alternate definition of ‘honest’
or how to approach the delicate matter
of a woman's bottom:
Keep schtum.
Even if her apparel makes her buttocks
look like twin Jupiters jostling for position
in an overcrowded arse-cheek solar system.
I hadn't learned this, so I said,
"Well, the horizontal striations at the crotch
draw attention to your hips -
and the light colour and tightness
of the fabric enhance the illusion of width."
I paused to further appraise her ensemble.
"Anything else?" she glared.
"The belt. Too chunky. Cuts
right through the middle of your lovely
hour-glass figure.
Makes you look all tubular."
"I see." Her lips were a tight red line.
"So, you're saying I look like a fat dyke
with a droopy arse."
"No! Not at all! I just..."
Then she turned to Stacey.
"What do you think?"
"I think you look gorgeous love."
wearing the latest designer-faded Ferrero Pepe jeans:
"What do you think?
Be honest.
Does my bum look big in this?"
I was just 16 and hadn't learned
the alternate definition of ‘honest’
or how to approach the delicate matter
of a woman's bottom:
Keep schtum.
Even if her apparel makes her buttocks
look like twin Jupiters jostling for position
in an overcrowded arse-cheek solar system.
I hadn't learned this, so I said,
"Well, the horizontal striations at the crotch
draw attention to your hips -
and the light colour and tightness
of the fabric enhance the illusion of width."
I paused to further appraise her ensemble.
"Anything else?" she glared.
"The belt. Too chunky. Cuts
right through the middle of your lovely
hour-glass figure.
Makes you look all tubular."
"I see." Her lips were a tight red line.
"So, you're saying I look like a fat dyke
with a droopy arse."
"No! Not at all! I just..."
Then she turned to Stacey.
"What do you think?"
"I think you look gorgeous love."